Disaster

Over 180 days and I found out I'm not cured. This addiction will never go away, but I know I can control it with God's help. I don't want to tell my wife about this right away. Is that a bad thing? (Please comment.) I feel so dirty and ashamed. I know God will help me through this. I just need to remember how far I've come before and do it again. I'm not sure how often I'll post, but please keep me in your prayers.

Days 101 to 150

From work to home to vacation I have been very busy since day 100. That doesn't mean I haven't been tempted. I've been finding new ways to avoid temptation and also practicing the old ways. The number one things for me to think of to get rid of my temptation are my wife and God. I don't want to let either of them down. I've learned I don't miss anything when I don't go to those websites that tempted me. I don't miss anything when I change the channel or avoid movies that may lead to something not good for me. And the reward is priceless - I have a clean conscience. I feel good about the last 150 days. I don't feel like I'm hiding anything anymore. I know I have a dark past but the Lord is pulling me through it. 150 days doesn't seem like very long compared to the lifetime I want to spend without porn. But if you're an addict, you know this has been hard. I know I'm not out of the woods yet, and I probably never will be. I'll always need to find new ways to avoid temptation and I'll always need to put my wife first. I can never repay my wife for the pain I've caused her, but I can prevent hurting her further. Sweetheart, thank your for all the encouragement and forgiveness you have shown me. I love you.

Days 71-100

Wow, it's been a long, long time! I hope you hadn't given up hope on me. Since my last post, my life has been crazy busy. But starting today, I can take a big break. There was only one time in the last thirty days that I came close to falling. I went to a simple search engine and looked for some racy pictures. As they were about to load, I realized I didn't want to start over. That was about day 85 or so. I quickly turned off the computer until I had my wife near me.

Today is day 100 without porn and I can't tell you how good that three digit number sounds! I haven't told my wife about this blog yet. I wanted to make sure I had something substantial so it wouldn't be another lie. Time after time I told her I would quit, I had quit, I was going to - you name it, I've said it. But I really haven't been able to come up with long-term results. I think I want to wait until I have passed my longest streak first - four months. I'm only a month or so away. I will be proud to tell her, yet I'm embarrased that it ever had to happen. I love her with all my heart, and I want to make sure I never hurt her in this way again. Thanks for reading, and God bless!

Day 70

Happy Easter to you and happy ten weeks without porn to me!

Today I had an interesting feeling. I knew my wife was away for a few hours and I was watching TV. I decided I wanted to check my e-mail, but I knew that if I got my computer out with my wife gone, I might fall into temptation. I waited until my wife called to tell me she was on her way home (she's predictable like that) to turn on my computer. I knew that I wouldn't want to risk not having enough time. By the time my wife called, I had forgotten about my lustful desires - no problem at all! I'm finally learning how to deal with my temptation to the point where I can avoid chances for temptation to be present. Praise God!

As for you, keep it up! I know several of you are already doing well. But for you that are struggling, you CAN do it! Keep trying, keep praying - God will take care of you.

Days 63-69

Well, at least I'm posting weekly. This week has been crazy busy and the next two should be as well - one of those I won't even have internet access. It's pretty exciting to think that tomorrow will be ten weeks! I'm still a long way from my goal, but I didn't think I'd make it this far on only my third attempt since starting this blog. I have tried everything else, but this is the first thing that has really worked for me. It's a beautiful day outside, so I'm going on a walk with my wife. Keep up your fight - you CAN do it!

God bless.

Days 52 through 62

Wow, it's been a while. I have had several temptations lately, but I have listened to God's voice and found His way out. My release is often video games - Madden, Midnight Club, whatever - but it is sometimes exercise (I need lots of that!), sometimes music, sometimes just calling my wife and letting her know I love her.

I have figured out why this blog has led to more success than I've had in the past. Besides your support and prayers, I'm a competitive guy and I've been competing with myself to see how long I can make my streak. Unfortunately, that means that when I've met my goal, I could easily say, "The game is over" and fall back into my addiction. This is why I've set my goal so long. I'm determined to beat this thing. My prayers are with all of you who are struggling. Never quit trying, never quit pressing forward. I have found success so far, but I'm not done and I never will be. Keep up your hard work. God bless.

Days 48-51

I have passed the seven week and 50 day marks! And I'm sure today will go just fine as I've got a hot date with my wife. Difficult times may be ahead, though, as I've been feeling tempted lately. It's completely normal to be tempted, it's just important whether we give in to it or not. As TV becomes more and more provacative, I am reconsidering the shows that I watch. Many are harmless but include little things here and there that make my mind wander. I've been slowly learning to spend more time with God and have really been focusing on my relationship with my wife. I'm blessed to have her and I'm making sure I don't spoil it with porn. Thank you for your prayers. Know that I am praying for you as well. God bless.

Days 42-47

Wow, I haven't posted in a long time. This is the first time in three days I've even used my computer! One temptation - it was pretty strong last night. I just left my computer off and watched the news. Probably should have just gone to bed. I'm nearing the seven week mark and I'm finding myself wanting to be closer to God. I'm wanting to spend the time with Him that I've wasted on porn in the past. My longest streak without porn since becoming addicted was about four months. I'm still not near that mark and I know I have to be careful. I thought I was out of the woods then, but I've got a ways to go yet. Many people have goals of 100 days or three months - I just know that's not enough for me. I know I could fall at any time. As life gets busier, money gets tighter, and I find myself more responsible, I think it will be more difficult to fall simply because I'll have less opportunities. It's more important than ever to stay ahead and focus on not falling when the opportunity does arise. Thanks for reading, thanks for praying, and thanks for your support. God bless!

Days 40 and 41

Yesterday and today have been no problem! I watched a movie with my wife about relationships and infidelity. It really got me thinking about they way I treat her when I look at porn. Tomorrow will be six weeks, and feels like forever. But I know it's really not that long ago. Six weeks isn't the same as the years I've put into it. I need to keep my streak alive and focus on how to better treat my wife. Just because I look at porn when she's not around doesn't mean I'm treating her fairly or with respect. I've always been ashamed of what I do online when no one's looking. It really shouldn't matter whether my wife knows. I just know I've got to stop for her. Anyway, we're going out tomorrow for pretty much the whole day, so i'm sure I'll be fine for Day 42. Thanks for reading, and may God bless!

Days 36-39

I haven't posted in a while because work has kept me very busy. Not only have I not had time to look at porn, but with my free time, I have found it easy to not even think about it. I'm nearing six weeks and it feels great!

I know some of you are struggling as well. Don't give up - never give up. 39 days ago, I didn't think I'd be writing 39 days today. I didn't have a lot of faith in my own ability to quit. But with your prayers and support and God's help, here I am, and going strong. All of you have the ability to quit. Have faith in God and yourself. You can do this. If I can get to 39 days after years of addiction, I know you can do it too.

Day 35

Five weeks! My wife came home today, so I had no problems. I'm looking foward to the next several weeks. Nothing more to say! God bless.

Days 33 and 34

Thank God! There have been no problems and tomorrow my wife returns from her trip and I cross the five week barrier. Now, the biggest thing keeping me from porn is this streak. I really don't want to ruin it. I guess we need to use whatever motivation necessary to avoid it. Satan uses whatever methods he can to get us to fall into temptation, so why not use whatever methods we can to avoid it. Go running, play ball, learn chess, crochet, paint, learn a new instrument, sing, do whatever you can to get away from porn. That's what I've done. New sports, new music - even new video games. It helps that I've also been keeping a stricter bed time. Most times that I have fallen in the past have been late at night when I don't think anyone is watching. But the truth is, God's always watching. He always knows what we're up to. In my life without porn, I don't feel looked down upon quite as much. I know I still have this dark past, though. I'm trying to understand that God has already forgiven me and loves me just as much. I need to find comfort in His love and realize that there is a difference between believing in Him and believing Him. I need to grasp His promises and have faith. Good luck, and God bless.

Days 31 and 32

Yesterday wasn't a problem at all! Today hasn't been, but I have a feeling I'll be up a while tonight. This weekend will be a little lonely until my wfie comes back. Pray for my continued success, as I've been praying for all of you. God bless!

Days 29 and 30

No problems the last two days! A little more time tonight yet, but I'm so tired, I won't have a problem. I'm nearing five weeks, and feeling great! My wife's trip is over soon and I should be out of the woods for a while. I feel like I have my life back. Thanks for reading!

Days 27 and 28

Okay, so I miscounted last time, but I'm proud today to have completed four weeks! That's a month! It's been over a year since I've gone a month without porn. Okay, so today isn't done yet - but I'm tired and hittin' the sack right after I finish this post. This next week still will be very difficult with my wife gone. But now that I have a month under my belt, I'll be able to use it as fuel until the return of my lovely bride. Praise God for His wonderful blessings! It was a great weekend.

Days 26 and 27

What a busy couple of days. No time to even think of porn. Tomorrow will be the same - only busier - haha. But Sunday and the week that follows will be quite difficult. I'm just praying that I can stick with God and follow His will for me. If you're struggling, I'm praying for you.

Day 24

No problems today at all. However, last night, after I posted, I was tempted in a bad way. I was able to overcome, but just barely. Praise God for helping me find a way out! I've still got a good week and a half without my wife, and I'm sure I'll be tempted more in that time. But the way I see it, I'll be at 35 days when she comes home - it seems like it would be easy after that. But I'm not trying to look too far ahead. I know I need to look at each day seperately and set small goals. Those small goals will really add up in the end. Thanks for reading, and God bless!

Days 22 and 23

Day 22 - I was fine, until I got home. There was much temptation when I started my computer, and I knew it would be hard. I had to send some e-mails for work, but I was quickly distracted by sexy advertisements. I knew I didn't want to blow it. I sent my e-mails, turned off the computer and went straight to bed.

Day 23 - I woke up feeling great that I hadn't fallen yesterday and I feel more recharged than ever. Today has brought no problems, and a late meeting tonight will ensure I'll make it another day. For all of you that are struggling with the same problem, I've been praying for you. Good luck, and God bless!

Days 19, 20, and 21

Day 19 - Busy all day long, no problems!

Day 20 - A little tempation last night, but I didn't think twice about saying no.

Day 21 - Today is the three week mark; a place I haven't been in a while. I've got enough work to do even on a Sunday to keep me busy all day long. My temptations aren't as strong anymore, and I'm feeling good. The next two weeks will prove to be difficult, as I'll be without my wife. I don't have as much to keep me busy during that time either. But the Lord has gotten me this far, He's not giving up on me when I really need Him. He has given me the strength to turn away from temptation. One day, about a week ago, I was tempted to look at topless women; just breasts. But before I did, I got to thinkin' - why is this any better? After my first attempt, I wrote that I didn't even want to lust after other women. I meant it, and I knew I would have failed in my attempt even if I just looked at one picture. I really feel like I'm on the right track here, like God is really speaking to me. He has something great planned for me and I'm not throwing it away to porn. It's only been three weeks - 49 more to go. I have a long road ahead of me, but with God on one side and my wife on the other, I'll reach the end. God bless.

Day 18

Another short post - maybe that's a good thing. After I posted last night, I had another opportunity to fail, but I was able to overcome. I felt God was yelling to me to not give up. For once, I listened. Good luck to others struggling. God bless!

Day 17

Another day without porn and I'm feelin' great! Played tennis for the first time today - I stunk. But I'll get better. It's just another thing to help keep me busy and in shape. Nothing else to say tonight. God bless!

Day 16

I'm busy from now till night with work and other appointments. Even I wanted to, I won't have a chance to fall today. I only got 5 hours of sleep last night, so I'm eager to hit the sack tonight. For the others on this journey with me, keep at it and never give up! God bless.

Day 15

Everything's great today! Had lots to do, and tomorrow will be no different. Work is great! Helps keep my spirits high. A little temptation over lunch, but quickly averted with a call to my lovely wife. Week three, here I come!

Day 14

Two weeks! It's a milestone for me and now my longest posting on this blog. I'm excited to continue this journey. Today was great after a near fall yesterday. I was even home alone all day. I simply didn't give myself the opportunity to be tempted. Anyway, I've got an early start tomorrow, God bless!

Day 13 *Update*

I posted this morning for a total of three days, but I almost ruined it tonight. In this case "almost" is a good thing. I had typed in the address of a frequented porn site, thought about it for a minute or two, then pressed enter. As soon as I did, I realized I didn't want to give up what I had done so far. Before the page loaded (not a single picture had) I pressed Alt-F4 and left the room. I didn't see anything and went to exercise. Praise God! He's really helping me. You know, I've always had a way out - you have too. God gives us every opportunity to do what He wants us to. We all know porn is wrong - a defamation of the wonderful gift of sex God has given to one man and one woman. When I start to look at porn, I know I have the opportunity to stop, to close the window and walk away. But I don't always. Two weeks ago I didn't. Tonight was my first test - and I'm proud to say, I passed. Praise God!

Day 13

I haven't written in a few days - my laptop a/c adapter quit working, so I was without a computer. Turned out to be a good thing, as I think I would have fallen the night it stopped working. I was feeling vulnerable and without a way out. I got a new adapter and now I'm posting! Tomorrow is the two week point for me. Maybe it's not a long time, but if you have the same problem I do, it's huge!

I have really enjoyed my life with porn. I've been able to exercise a little more, get more work done, get to bed on time. Porn used to make me late for everything. Without that stupid distraction, I've found I'm already a better person. Can someone change that much in 13 days? I read somewhere that when a man walks with God, he never stops changing. What I feel inside me is a desire to change. Maybe my heart hasn't changed at all - yet. Maybe my time without porn has simply given me something else to think about. I find myself wanting to be a different person. More in shape, more in tune with God, more wife-and-work oriented (There's a certain balance I'm trying to achieve in this area. I feel I give work more attention than my wife sometimes. Ten hour days, occasional weekend work - I often don't think to do the nice things I used to do for my wife.) My struggle with porn, I've found, is also a struggle to change who I am. I don't like looking at random women and lusting over them. I don't like cheating myself out of a wonerful relationship with my wife. That's what porn does.

I really appreciate the comments that have been left here. It's good to know I'm not the only one struggling and that people - people I've never met - care about me and my addiction. Continue to pray for me, as I have prayed for you. God bless!

Day 10

A pretty good day - I was tempted a little bit earlier, but fed my desire with a dumb computer game trial. Just something to get my mind off what I wanted to do. It worked! Now I'm going to bed with a clean conscience and Day 10 is over. Those of you who struggle with the same thing I do, I'm praying for you.

Day 9

My computer power supply busted yesterday. Probably a good thing, as I was feeling vulnerable last night. It's amazing how God can see what you'll be feeling in advance. I think he knew I would have a problem. I was upset when I got off the phone with Toshiba who told me I'd have to wait six days to get my new one. But, it came today. I don't feel I'll be tempted tonight. I'm tired already and I'm sure I'll get to bed on time. Now, I've said this before, so I guess you'll have to wait till tomorrow to find out if I followed through with my plan. Goodnight!

Day 8

Hello! It's been a while since I posted, and today, that's a good thing! I've been without internet since my last post so I haven't had the opportunity to fall. I know I'll be busy the next couple days, but then I'm in for a two week lazy stretch - that's when I'll be tempted the most. I'll have to find other things to do. I'm considering reading more, I know I need to get closer to God, I've got dishes and laundry always, netflix, and hockey. Maybe I'll get better on Guitar Hero... maybe not. lol. I'm going to be a dad soon and I want to be a good example for my child from day one. I'm sticking to this. I'm determined. I'm going to win.

Attempt Three - Day One

True to my word, I just aimed to not look at porn today. I kept myself busy and just said "no." Looking forward to a new episode of "House" has helped keep my honest. I know tomorrow will be busy with some music things, then I'm off for a very long weekend with no internet! You'll hear from me tomorrow, but not again till Sunday or Monday.

I know I have a long road ahead of me, but your comments keep me going and help me fight. Thanks for your support! God bless!

Feeling Low

Words can't describe the feeling you get when you know you failed. It was only day two, and I just couldn't stop myself. Right now I feel selfish and like I let myself down. I hate knowing that God was trying to stop me and I didn't want to listen. HIS plan got me my wife, HIS plan got me my wonderful job, HIS plan has worked everything out for me. But MY plan led me back to porn. I know He was trying to get me to stop, but I didn't listen. How can I respect myself if I can't even respect God? The Creator of all things died for me and I can't say, "Hey, maybe this Guy knows what He's doing?" I'm sorry to myself, to my wife, but most of all to God. He wants me to live a wonderfully happy life and knows that pornography doesn't give me that.

One of my favorite corny jokes is when the patient says to the doctor, "It hurts when I do this." And the doctor replies smugly, "Well, don't do that!" It hurts me and everyone I love when I look at porn. So, by the same logic, I shouldn't do that... duh...

I don't know why I can't stop. I guess that's why it's called an addiction.

My goal of 365 days seems simply unattainable. From a different blog I found, "Instead of saying, 'I'm never looking at porn again,' I should say, 'I'm not looking at porn today.'" Smaller goals seem much easier to obtain than lofty ones. I know I can save two bucks by not ordering a soda, but I don't know I can save $730 dollars a year - at some point, I'm ordering a Dr. Pepper. So, here we go again. My goal right now is to get through tomorrow. My next goal is to beat my last best in this blog - I only need 12 days. From there, I'll take it one day at a time.

I know many of you are also struggling with this same problem. Maybe something I've said helped. Maybe you want me to pray for you. Maybe you need an accountability partner. Maybe you just want me to read your blog. Whatever it is, just let me know! Leave a comment or, for a more private conversation, e-mail me at quittingforgood@live.com. Please pray for me and my journey. And good luck on yours!

Not Quite Failure, but... Attempt Two - Day One

My journey to quit porn doesn't just spawn from porn itself, but rather from my desire to only have eyes for my wife. I didn't fall to porn yesterday, but I did find myself lusting over beautiful models, mostly clothed. I want to make sure that I don't waste time with other women period. I need to learn how to have healthy friendships and not look at ladies with dirty intentions. I'm starting a new attempt to keep myself honest. This world is full of references to sex. Television and movies are full of sexy women and infidelity.

The general level of modesty in our country has dropped so drastically in the last twenty years that it becomes so hard to even walk through the mall without noticing some sexy girl with spaghetti straps and a mini skirt. I do alright in public, keeping my eyes to myself and focusing on faces, not cleavage. But when I'm alone, even a simple internet ad gets me to want to look at more women and that often leads to porn.

I want to be fully devoted to my wife. I know, in my heart, that I am already, but I want every aspect of my life to scream my love for her. God didn't create sex to be shared with whomever wants it, but for two, loving people - a husband and wife. I want that special bond with her and her alone.

So here we go again - Attempt Two - Day One.

Day 11

Keeping busy with work and having friends over for dinner eliminate possibilities for tempation. Day 11 was a breeze. Nothing else to say I guess... except goodnight!

Day Ten

If you've read these posts, I haven't given up! I have been out of town since my last post and haven't had internet access. Without internet, I couldn't post - or look at porn! So this is day ten and I'm feeling good! I know I'll be busy the next several days, so temptation will be at a minimum, and I'm traveling next week, again without internet. I praise God for giving me opportunities to be busy and forget about my dark secret. I know He's with me and taking care of me.

Thank you for reading this blog and supporting me and praying for me. If you want to talk about anything or maybe find an anonymous accountability partner, just e-mail me at quittingforgood@live.com. I know I'm not the only one trying to quit porn. Know that you are also in my prayers. God bless!

Day Two

This is day two of my journey to quit porn. I've been busy all day and expect to be busy till at least Sunday. When I've got something to do, porn is the last thing on my mind. Which is why this post is short...

God bless!

Attempt One - Day One

Hello. Like millions of men on this Earth, I have an addiction to pornography. Some men welcome the addiction, but most seem to realize that it's not a good thing. It's unfair to girlfriends, wives, platonic friends, God, and - most importantly - yourself. I first started looking at porn about six years ago. At one point I couldn't stop myself from looking at it daily. Now it's only once a week or so, but I just can't seem to kick the habit. Other than this addiction, I've had healthy relationships with girls. My wife knows about it and wants to help me, but right now I prefer to remain anonymous.

The purpose of this blog is to journal my battle against porn. I'm hoping it will give me something to actively direct me in the right way. I'm also hoping to find others struggling with the same problem. Feel free to comment on my blog or e-mail me at quittingforgood@live.com. You'll notice that the title of this blog is "Attempt One - Day One." This is not my first attempt to quit, but is my first day blogging. This blog will continue, updated daily (or as close to it as I can), until I can last an entire year without porn. Some blogs will be short, some a little longer. The longest I've gone without porn so far is about four months. Since then, I gave up. I'm not giving up this time.

God and my family are the most important things in my life. I can never repay them for the sins I've committed on the Internet, but from this point forward, I intend to never disappoint them in that way again. Thanks for reading, and if you're struggling with similar problems and want someone to talk to, I'll be available.

May God Bless