Disaster

Over 180 days and I found out I'm not cured. This addiction will never go away, but I know I can control it with God's help. I don't want to tell my wife about this right away. Is that a bad thing? (Please comment.) I feel so dirty and ashamed. I know God will help me through this. I just need to remember how far I've come before and do it again. I'm not sure how often I'll post, but please keep me in your prayers.

Days 101 to 150

From work to home to vacation I have been very busy since day 100. That doesn't mean I haven't been tempted. I've been finding new ways to avoid temptation and also practicing the old ways. The number one things for me to think of to get rid of my temptation are my wife and God. I don't want to let either of them down. I've learned I don't miss anything when I don't go to those websites that tempted me. I don't miss anything when I change the channel or avoid movies that may lead to something not good for me. And the reward is priceless - I have a clean conscience. I feel good about the last 150 days. I don't feel like I'm hiding anything anymore. I know I have a dark past but the Lord is pulling me through it. 150 days doesn't seem like very long compared to the lifetime I want to spend without porn. But if you're an addict, you know this has been hard. I know I'm not out of the woods yet, and I probably never will be. I'll always need to find new ways to avoid temptation and I'll always need to put my wife first. I can never repay my wife for the pain I've caused her, but I can prevent hurting her further. Sweetheart, thank your for all the encouragement and forgiveness you have shown me. I love you.

Days 71-100

Wow, it's been a long, long time! I hope you hadn't given up hope on me. Since my last post, my life has been crazy busy. But starting today, I can take a big break. There was only one time in the last thirty days that I came close to falling. I went to a simple search engine and looked for some racy pictures. As they were about to load, I realized I didn't want to start over. That was about day 85 or so. I quickly turned off the computer until I had my wife near me.

Today is day 100 without porn and I can't tell you how good that three digit number sounds! I haven't told my wife about this blog yet. I wanted to make sure I had something substantial so it wouldn't be another lie. Time after time I told her I would quit, I had quit, I was going to - you name it, I've said it. But I really haven't been able to come up with long-term results. I think I want to wait until I have passed my longest streak first - four months. I'm only a month or so away. I will be proud to tell her, yet I'm embarrased that it ever had to happen. I love her with all my heart, and I want to make sure I never hurt her in this way again. Thanks for reading, and God bless!

Day 70

Happy Easter to you and happy ten weeks without porn to me!

Today I had an interesting feeling. I knew my wife was away for a few hours and I was watching TV. I decided I wanted to check my e-mail, but I knew that if I got my computer out with my wife gone, I might fall into temptation. I waited until my wife called to tell me she was on her way home (she's predictable like that) to turn on my computer. I knew that I wouldn't want to risk not having enough time. By the time my wife called, I had forgotten about my lustful desires - no problem at all! I'm finally learning how to deal with my temptation to the point where I can avoid chances for temptation to be present. Praise God!

As for you, keep it up! I know several of you are already doing well. But for you that are struggling, you CAN do it! Keep trying, keep praying - God will take care of you.

Days 63-69

Well, at least I'm posting weekly. This week has been crazy busy and the next two should be as well - one of those I won't even have internet access. It's pretty exciting to think that tomorrow will be ten weeks! I'm still a long way from my goal, but I didn't think I'd make it this far on only my third attempt since starting this blog. I have tried everything else, but this is the first thing that has really worked for me. It's a beautiful day outside, so I'm going on a walk with my wife. Keep up your fight - you CAN do it!

God bless.

Days 52 through 62

Wow, it's been a while. I have had several temptations lately, but I have listened to God's voice and found His way out. My release is often video games - Madden, Midnight Club, whatever - but it is sometimes exercise (I need lots of that!), sometimes music, sometimes just calling my wife and letting her know I love her.

I have figured out why this blog has led to more success than I've had in the past. Besides your support and prayers, I'm a competitive guy and I've been competing with myself to see how long I can make my streak. Unfortunately, that means that when I've met my goal, I could easily say, "The game is over" and fall back into my addiction. This is why I've set my goal so long. I'm determined to beat this thing. My prayers are with all of you who are struggling. Never quit trying, never quit pressing forward. I have found success so far, but I'm not done and I never will be. Keep up your hard work. God bless.

Days 48-51

I have passed the seven week and 50 day marks! And I'm sure today will go just fine as I've got a hot date with my wife. Difficult times may be ahead, though, as I've been feeling tempted lately. It's completely normal to be tempted, it's just important whether we give in to it or not. As TV becomes more and more provacative, I am reconsidering the shows that I watch. Many are harmless but include little things here and there that make my mind wander. I've been slowly learning to spend more time with God and have really been focusing on my relationship with my wife. I'm blessed to have her and I'm making sure I don't spoil it with porn. Thank you for your prayers. Know that I am praying for you as well. God bless.