Day 13 *Update*

I posted this morning for a total of three days, but I almost ruined it tonight. In this case "almost" is a good thing. I had typed in the address of a frequented porn site, thought about it for a minute or two, then pressed enter. As soon as I did, I realized I didn't want to give up what I had done so far. Before the page loaded (not a single picture had) I pressed Alt-F4 and left the room. I didn't see anything and went to exercise. Praise God! He's really helping me. You know, I've always had a way out - you have too. God gives us every opportunity to do what He wants us to. We all know porn is wrong - a defamation of the wonderful gift of sex God has given to one man and one woman. When I start to look at porn, I know I have the opportunity to stop, to close the window and walk away. But I don't always. Two weeks ago I didn't. Tonight was my first test - and I'm proud to say, I passed. Praise God!

Day 13

I haven't written in a few days - my laptop a/c adapter quit working, so I was without a computer. Turned out to be a good thing, as I think I would have fallen the night it stopped working. I was feeling vulnerable and without a way out. I got a new adapter and now I'm posting! Tomorrow is the two week point for me. Maybe it's not a long time, but if you have the same problem I do, it's huge!

I have really enjoyed my life with porn. I've been able to exercise a little more, get more work done, get to bed on time. Porn used to make me late for everything. Without that stupid distraction, I've found I'm already a better person. Can someone change that much in 13 days? I read somewhere that when a man walks with God, he never stops changing. What I feel inside me is a desire to change. Maybe my heart hasn't changed at all - yet. Maybe my time without porn has simply given me something else to think about. I find myself wanting to be a different person. More in shape, more in tune with God, more wife-and-work oriented (There's a certain balance I'm trying to achieve in this area. I feel I give work more attention than my wife sometimes. Ten hour days, occasional weekend work - I often don't think to do the nice things I used to do for my wife.) My struggle with porn, I've found, is also a struggle to change who I am. I don't like looking at random women and lusting over them. I don't like cheating myself out of a wonerful relationship with my wife. That's what porn does.

I really appreciate the comments that have been left here. It's good to know I'm not the only one struggling and that people - people I've never met - care about me and my addiction. Continue to pray for me, as I have prayed for you. God bless!

Day 10

A pretty good day - I was tempted a little bit earlier, but fed my desire with a dumb computer game trial. Just something to get my mind off what I wanted to do. It worked! Now I'm going to bed with a clean conscience and Day 10 is over. Those of you who struggle with the same thing I do, I'm praying for you.

Day 9

My computer power supply busted yesterday. Probably a good thing, as I was feeling vulnerable last night. It's amazing how God can see what you'll be feeling in advance. I think he knew I would have a problem. I was upset when I got off the phone with Toshiba who told me I'd have to wait six days to get my new one. But, it came today. I don't feel I'll be tempted tonight. I'm tired already and I'm sure I'll get to bed on time. Now, I've said this before, so I guess you'll have to wait till tomorrow to find out if I followed through with my plan. Goodnight!

Day 8

Hello! It's been a while since I posted, and today, that's a good thing! I've been without internet since my last post so I haven't had the opportunity to fall. I know I'll be busy the next couple days, but then I'm in for a two week lazy stretch - that's when I'll be tempted the most. I'll have to find other things to do. I'm considering reading more, I know I need to get closer to God, I've got dishes and laundry always, netflix, and hockey. Maybe I'll get better on Guitar Hero... maybe not. lol. I'm going to be a dad soon and I want to be a good example for my child from day one. I'm sticking to this. I'm determined. I'm going to win.

Attempt Three - Day One

True to my word, I just aimed to not look at porn today. I kept myself busy and just said "no." Looking forward to a new episode of "House" has helped keep my honest. I know tomorrow will be busy with some music things, then I'm off for a very long weekend with no internet! You'll hear from me tomorrow, but not again till Sunday or Monday.

I know I have a long road ahead of me, but your comments keep me going and help me fight. Thanks for your support! God bless!

Feeling Low

Words can't describe the feeling you get when you know you failed. It was only day two, and I just couldn't stop myself. Right now I feel selfish and like I let myself down. I hate knowing that God was trying to stop me and I didn't want to listen. HIS plan got me my wife, HIS plan got me my wonderful job, HIS plan has worked everything out for me. But MY plan led me back to porn. I know He was trying to get me to stop, but I didn't listen. How can I respect myself if I can't even respect God? The Creator of all things died for me and I can't say, "Hey, maybe this Guy knows what He's doing?" I'm sorry to myself, to my wife, but most of all to God. He wants me to live a wonderfully happy life and knows that pornography doesn't give me that.

One of my favorite corny jokes is when the patient says to the doctor, "It hurts when I do this." And the doctor replies smugly, "Well, don't do that!" It hurts me and everyone I love when I look at porn. So, by the same logic, I shouldn't do that... duh...

I don't know why I can't stop. I guess that's why it's called an addiction.

My goal of 365 days seems simply unattainable. From a different blog I found, "Instead of saying, 'I'm never looking at porn again,' I should say, 'I'm not looking at porn today.'" Smaller goals seem much easier to obtain than lofty ones. I know I can save two bucks by not ordering a soda, but I don't know I can save $730 dollars a year - at some point, I'm ordering a Dr. Pepper. So, here we go again. My goal right now is to get through tomorrow. My next goal is to beat my last best in this blog - I only need 12 days. From there, I'll take it one day at a time.

I know many of you are also struggling with this same problem. Maybe something I've said helped. Maybe you want me to pray for you. Maybe you need an accountability partner. Maybe you just want me to read your blog. Whatever it is, just let me know! Leave a comment or, for a more private conversation, e-mail me at quittingforgood@live.com. Please pray for me and my journey. And good luck on yours!